As we all suspected, the dawn of 2012 has seen a massive surge in conspiraloons wasting fresh air by expounding their bizarre theories across the Internet. They get better and better, and with the prospect of the end of the world approaching, it’s a veritable smorgasbord of lunacy out there right now. We love a good conspiracy theory and in our weaker moments do wonder if there is a grain of truth is some of them. So here then are the lastest looneytunes from the world of alternative reality.
The End is Nigh! 2012 Apocalypse!
This has to come in at number one. In case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last decade you will know that the world will end on December 21st 2012. No one is quite sure exactly what will happen, but it’s going to be very, very bad. Why are so many people so convinced? It’s all to do with the end-date of the Mesoamerican Long Count Calendar. Popularly known as the Mayan Calendar,For some reason the Mayans have come to be regarded as the fountain of all wisdom when it comes to end of the world theories, and the fact that their calendar runs out on 21st December 2012 is proof that we will soon be extinct. A whole industry has grown up around 2012, with Hollywood catching the wave, and various seers and enlightened ones offering to help us ‘ascend’ when the hour approaches. But academics, and in fact the Mayans themselves, are non-plussed by the whole circus. Most of the existing Mayan people have never even heard of the idea, and academics point out that when the Mayan calendar usually runs out, they just begin a new one! So don’t spend the weekend building a bunker. It’s not going to happen.
The Coming of Nibiru
The Red Planet, or Planet X. This fits into the Mayan Apocalypse Theory, since it is reputed to be arriving around, yes, 21st December 2012. According to Nancy Lieder, who first brought this to the world’s attention in 1995, Niburu is a planet destined to destroy the earth when a near pass will cause a pole shift in the planet earth, and widespread destruction. Nancy was told this by the alien Zeta extraterrestrials, from the Zeta Reticuli star system via an implant in her brain. But hey, we’re cool with that. Astonishingly this loonwaffle has garnered a huge number of believers, who were not at all put off by Nancy’s inaccurate prediction of Nibiru’s arrival in 2003, even though she recommended that people put down their pets in anticipation of the event. Nice touch. So look out for an extra sun in the sky. Nibiru is big and red and heading our way in time for next Christmas. Not long now folks!
Aliens are already amongst us. They have 99% human DNA, one percent alien DNA. They are the product of a centuries long alien/human genetic modification program, which is behind the alien abduction phenomenon. Conspiracy Theorists point to the Starchild Skull as evidence, a mysteriously shaped skull which was found in a cave in Mexico. The genetic manipulation has been done by an alien race called the Annunaki, thus allowing us to evolve from monkeys into modern man. The Annunaki are the Gods spoken of in Ancient times. When we have evolved to the next level we will be able to join the cosmic community and ‘ascend’. The Annunaki helped the Egyptians build the Pyramids, so who knows what they’ll leave us with this time round. Aliens have been genetically modifying humans for so long that they now have beings that could pass for humans. We’ve all met them, be honest. Don’t you remember that kooky asbestos surveys company representative who knocked on your front door or that weird kid your son brought home who didn’t seem quite right? Maybe there’s a reason behind their oddness.
Autonomous AI (Artificial Intelligence)
This is hot in the world of conspiracy theory right now. In underground bases all over the world, scientists have been working on technologies so advanced that George Lucas would have recognizing them. We’re talking nano. Nano metals that can form into humans and Nano drones, which can think for themselves, recognize the nationality of enemy targets and destroy them on the basis of their own judgment. We have a vast network of nano-satellites, which are in space right now, protecting us from alien hostility. Artificial Intelligence and thinking robots have been an anxiety since the first automata were invented in the 1700s. Will Smith was on the money in iRobot. Well, it’s here, and before long those intelligent machines are going to be part of your reality. So don’t annoy them, ok?
Ever wondered how useful natural disasters would be as a weapon of war? No, me neither, but governments have. They have invented something called the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP), which can create tsunamis and earthquakes to decimate populations. They do this under the pretext that they are researching the ionosphere and investigating ‘the potential for developing ionospheric enhancement technology for radio communications and surveillance’. Hmmm. It is funded by the US Airforce, Navy, Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA). No one seems to really know what HAARP does, and various anomalies, such as the mysterious aerial spirals, and other oddities have been laid at HAARPS door. The increase in natural disasters such as the earthquakes in the Pakistan and the Phillipines, as well as the Japanese Tsunami has fed these fears.
All in all 2012 should be an interesting year. Don’t forget to check back with EpidemicFun.com if it all gets too much…